October is....

I created this blog originally three years ago to talk about our first loss. I posted again a year after my ectopic since then we have lost one more. That is four miscarriages and one ectopic. But that's not why I am writing today. I am writing for two reasons.

The first reason is to bring awareness to what October is.October is breast cancer awareness month I think almost everyone knows that but October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In 1988 Ronald Reagan Proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. He said "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them." This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes. In 2002 a movement was started in the US and October 15 became Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Secondly I am writing to raise awareness about how pregnancy isn't a joke. Yes it is fun to trick your friends and family but joking about being pregnant when you really aren't is cruel, mean and down right rude. For many people, like me, that have either lost a child and/or pregnancy or struggling with infertility or having trouble getting pregnant seeing a pregnancy announcement  makes our heart drop because we desperately want that to be us. However when we scroll and see that is a joke it's not just upsetting that we can't share that happy moment for ourselves, it has suddenly turned it to you mocking us. It is already hard enough dealing with loss and struggling to get pregnant but now we get a slap in the face because you think its funny. Please be respectable don't make fake pregnancy jokes. 

Also please do this 

 

Lets all light a candle together to remember all those babies gone too soon. 

Unfortunately

Last October I created this blog speaking out about our first miscarriage.

Unfortunately since then we have lost three more angels. I stopped talking about it because of the reactions and comments from others but why?!?!? Why should we have to grieve alone just because it makes you uncomfortable.

Exactly one year ago yesterday/today (it was a very late night) I had my Fallopian tube rupture do to an ectopic pregnancy. These occur in 1 in 60 pregnancies. It was discovered a week before thanksgiving and treated with a very strong chemical. They use this same chemical to treat cancer. Unfortunately it didn't work and two days after thanksgiving my tube ruptured and I lost nearly all my blood it was a very sad and scary week. And still a year later I don't fully understand however I am dealing with it.

Sadly enough we were to lose two more one in February and one just a few short weeks ago. Also this May my dad passed. For some reason his passing is okay to talk about but not the passing of our four Angels. 

One out of every four women will experience the loss of a baby, That is 25%. Pregnancy and infant loss is hardly every talked about because is has become a "hush-hush" topic. Those who have experienced it often go through it alone. Don't be afraid to talk about it. I am 1 in 4. 

Unfortunately I have forgotten the reason for speaking out in the first place. To give courage to others so they do not have to go through it alone. I am not looking for sympathy, I am simply just trying to raise awareness and give others the courage to speak out. Child-loss is not something you did wrong and it's something you shouldn't have to go through alone. 

If telling the whole world is scary at least you have me to talk to. 

The day our lives changed forever

My husband, Joe, and I got married this year and we had the same dreams as any other mid 20 year olds and that was to start a family. The week of August 25th I hadn't been feeling great and I just had a feeling. On August 30th we found out our family was growing by two feet. Sounds perfect right?! We were thrilled!!!! 

September 11th- The day the United States mourns over a horrific event that no one will ever forget. However that day changed for Joe and I forever. I should have been six weeks pregnant that day instead that day we found out that our beautiful baby turned into a beautiful angel. I wouldn't be having a baby in May after all. 

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. 

Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth". 

~author unknown

Why is it that have I kept it a secret until now, well simply I have been taught that speaking of a miscarriage is taboo.
BUT WHY???????

WHY am I supposed to keep this a secret, WHY do I have to go through it alone, WHY do I have to pretend I am happy for my friends that are announcing their pregnancy's. Don't get me wrong I am happy for them. But I just simply want my baby back! 

I am breaking the taboo and speaking about my loss. 

I don't know exactly how to cope. How do you grieve the loss of someone you never actually met? And comments like, "Probably for the best" or "You can have more children" or "at least you can get pregnant" or "There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway" or "At least you weren't that far along," were meant to be comforting. However they just made me feel worse. I had wanted THIS baby, and I didn't care whether there was something “wrong” with my baby or not! And from the moment I found out I was pregnant I was in love with that baby and nothing can change how I feel about the baby. Unfortunately I have to learn how to grieve someone I can't meet. 

"When you dream of something so long, 

and it's taken from you in a blink of an eye,

IT HURTS!

But I am strong and I am not giving up."

~author unknown

While trying to cope without gong public I searched the web for help. However I came across one website saying just this: "The first rule of miscarriage is you don't talk about miscarriage." Why must we treat it like fight club? I am finding it easier to talk about it to the world and no longer hide it. My husband agrees because it is our life right?! 

We are not looking for sympathy. I only speak for myself when I say I just want people to be understanding when I can't jump for joy for my pregnant friends when I want to scream at someone for small things. I understand  being a mom/pregnant is hard but I would take that in a heartbeat rather than being where I am now. 

"How very softly 
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently; 
Only a moment you stayed. 
But what an imprint 
Your footprints have left 
On our hearts."
~Author Unknown